Van Helsing
May. 18th, 2004 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lederhosenRegular movies have credits. This one has debits.
After the mandatory spot of biffo with no relevance to the rest of the story - a device common to James Bond films, and foreshadowing the 'Q branch' rip-off soon to follow - our hero is told the basic premise of the movie: the Valerious family have been trapped in Purgatory for nine generations, only to be released when Dracula is slain.
According to IMDB the running time of this movie is only 132 minutes, but it certainly felt like nine generations of torment. The self-similarity of the movie doesn't stop there, either; it's patched together from the corpses of half a dozen better movies combined with a bit of green computerised crap, very much like Frankenstein's monster (which they call 'Frankenstein', something any horror movie buff would consider a hanging offence), and the result is just as unappealing.
Good things about this movie: Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe.
Jackman, Beckinsale, Wenham and Roxburgh aren't really *bad*, and they make a valiant effort, but you can only sculpt so much out of crap before it dribbles through your fingers again.
Bad things about this movie: Crappy CGI. Rampant stupidity.
Item: Carl invents a device that releases a burst of high-power daylight, and it takes an HOUR AND A HALF before anybody figures out how this might be of some use when dealing with vampires.
Item: Dracula, knowing that only a werewolf can kill him (no reason is ever offered for this), 'protects' himself by keeping ONE SYRINGE of anti-werewolf serum in a tower. Maybe it's just me, but I'd be carrying a silver dagger and a gun loaded with silver bullets instead.
Item: Van Helsing gets bitten by a werewolf during the full moon. After no more than a day or two of mucking about, Our Heroes gallop off to... Budapest? Somewhere or other. And suddenly we're told that it's only two days to the full moon, so their journey must have taken a good three weeks. Then they gallop all the way back again, just in time for the full moon.
Item: Dracula's idiot brides, who can be guaranteed upon to toy with their prey until help arrives or old age takes them, whichever happens first, even after one of them dies of this. Anna even comments on the rampant stupidity of this.
Item: Dracula's minions, which can only be described as 'Ewoks with gasmasks'.
And more, but I won't waste more breath on this mush. All you need to know is that it's not worth seeing. Maybe to mock when it comes on TV, but even that's pushing it.
(And in case anybody's wondering... yes, I was warned by reviews, but somehow it ended up being a Family Thing To Do Together. Come to think of it, this is also how I ended up seeing LoEG and 'Mission To Mars'.)
After the mandatory spot of biffo with no relevance to the rest of the story - a device common to James Bond films, and foreshadowing the 'Q branch' rip-off soon to follow - our hero is told the basic premise of the movie: the Valerious family have been trapped in Purgatory for nine generations, only to be released when Dracula is slain.
According to IMDB the running time of this movie is only 132 minutes, but it certainly felt like nine generations of torment. The self-similarity of the movie doesn't stop there, either; it's patched together from the corpses of half a dozen better movies combined with a bit of green computerised crap, very much like Frankenstein's monster (which they call 'Frankenstein', something any horror movie buff would consider a hanging offence), and the result is just as unappealing.
Good things about this movie: Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe.
Jackman, Beckinsale, Wenham and Roxburgh aren't really *bad*, and they make a valiant effort, but you can only sculpt so much out of crap before it dribbles through your fingers again.
Bad things about this movie: Crappy CGI. Rampant stupidity.
Item: Carl invents a device that releases a burst of high-power daylight, and it takes an HOUR AND A HALF before anybody figures out how this might be of some use when dealing with vampires.
Item: Dracula, knowing that only a werewolf can kill him (no reason is ever offered for this), 'protects' himself by keeping ONE SYRINGE of anti-werewolf serum in a tower. Maybe it's just me, but I'd be carrying a silver dagger and a gun loaded with silver bullets instead.
Item: Van Helsing gets bitten by a werewolf during the full moon. After no more than a day or two of mucking about, Our Heroes gallop off to... Budapest? Somewhere or other. And suddenly we're told that it's only two days to the full moon, so their journey must have taken a good three weeks. Then they gallop all the way back again, just in time for the full moon.
Item: Dracula's idiot brides, who can be guaranteed upon to toy with their prey until help arrives or old age takes them, whichever happens first, even after one of them dies of this. Anna even comments on the rampant stupidity of this.
Item: Dracula's minions, which can only be described as 'Ewoks with gasmasks'.
And more, but I won't waste more breath on this mush. All you need to know is that it's not worth seeing. Maybe to mock when it comes on TV, but even that's pushing it.
(And in case anybody's wondering... yes, I was warned by reviews, but somehow it ended up being a Family Thing To Do Together. Come to think of it, this is also how I ended up seeing LoEG and 'Mission To Mars'.)
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 03:10 pm (UTC)