Conditional friendship

[lederhosen]

And in the latest instalment of LJ Drama Theatre... some days back a LJ poster falsely reported that her cat had been set on fire by persons unknown, and she needed $5000 to cover vet bills. Close friends who trusted her spread the word, and unsurprisingly a flood of sympathy and donations poured in, punctuated by frequent updates on the cat's supposed condition.

One of her friends became suspicious, and tried to check the story, only to find a mysterious lack of verification from the police & vet clinics & SPCA who supposedly dealt with this case. She posted her reservations, and was duly torn into for being the Grinch Who Stole Charity. Eventually, the culprit admitted the hoax and claimed she would return people's money, some of which at least seems to have happened.

Whether her real motivation was financial, attention-seeking, or - as she claims - to prove to her father that Internet People are real friends, I don't know. (My suspicion is 'attention' - I wouldn't be surprised if even the storm of angry comments she's getting now are feeding that, which is why I'm not posting some of what follows on her journal.) Honestly, though, I'm less surprised by the hoax itself than by the number of people who are jumping in to defend her with sentiments like this:


It was an interesting and perfectly valid experiment, it was simply carried out in a way that neglected to take into account certain easy-to-forget, though very important, things... It seems to me that if something like this would destroy a friendship, you probably weren't very good friends in the first place.

And I say, bugger the notion of 'unconditional friendship'. Trust is one of the most precious things that I can give somebody. When I give it, I accept that people are fallible, and that trust may be broken by carelessness, or misunderstanding, or anger, or failure of will. Those things are difficult and slow to forgive, I won't pretend otherwise, but with time and goodwill they can be forgiven.

But if they don't even understand the importance of that gift, and treat it as a lightweight thing to be bartered or spent for some purpose, that sort of thing doesn't fall under "everybody makes mistakes". If you can forget that trust matters, we're too far apart to share anything I'm willing to call 'friendship'.

(Admittedly, my reactions to this are somewhat coloured by my own memories of the Great Sarah Fiasco of 1997, but I think I'd feel much the same way even without that little ray of sunshine in my past.)

Comments

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

I don't think she should be defended unless she has a psychiatic diagnosis.

Yeah I'm mean.

But trust is crucial, no?

The Great Sarah Fiasco is absolutely ghastly :-O

[nicked-metal.livejournal.com]

As a person with a psychiatric diagnosis, I don't see why she should be allowed to use one as a defence.

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

:::bows to your judgement:::

I've been clinically depressed and wouldn't dream of doing such a thing :-/

[nicked-metal.livejournal.com]

*smiles bashfully*

Now I feel like I expressed myself forcefully and unclearly. But I'll save the huge essay for another day :)

[ruth-lawrence.livejournal.com]

:-)

[lederhosen.livejournal.com]

I'm willing to make some allowances for somebody who acts out because of an illness, acknowledges it, and takes steps to ensure that they won't go on acting like that.

But if it's an ongoing thing and they can't or won't change... regardless of whether it's a choice or something completely beyond their control, I take the view that we are the contents of our own minds. I might feel more sympathy for somebody who was 'born bad' than somebody who *chose* to be antisocial, but if there's no path to improvement that they're willing to take, it's not going to make much difference to how I treat them.

(I note that nobody ever seems to want to explain away their good behaviour as something they can't help that shouldn't reflect upon them as a person... especially when so many traits have both good and bad aspects, it seems like cheating to take responsibility for only the good bits.)

[nicked-metal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the way I see it, regardless of any diagnosis the behaviour is unacceptable and should be stopped. The person who did it needs to be taken firmly but gently by the hand and guided towards more productive patterns of behaviour.

A diagnosis might well change the way in which you take them by the hand and guide them, but the essential objective remains the same.

[darkrosetiger.livejournal.com]

What bothers me most about this is that not only does it mean that people who truly need help may not get it after this, but that several people on my friends list are beating themselves up because they were taken in by this woman. It's a sad, sorry mess.

[insaint.livejournal.com]

Personally, I'm glad to see that those who visciously attacked foxfur for daring to voice some dissent were proven wrong in the end.

Although at the same time, I do feel for those who simply got caught in the drama.

[sclerotic-rings.livejournal.com]

And the darling behind this is from Dallas. Of course she's from Dallas. If she wanted money and attention, why can't she just strip for Webcams like rational people? (And people wonder why I stay here. It's because I now know my ex-wife is now living in Portland, Oregon, so I'd rather live in a live rendition of Dawn of the Dead than a live rendition of the end of Sid and Nancy.)