The key to Romance

quizzicalsphinx pointed at this sterling advice on how to achieve Romantic Success (TM):

Go to her abode and seek out the most bedraggled and dog-eared romance novel you can find. In all likelihood, this is the one she returns to time after time to relive her favorite passages... [filler waffle snipped] Simply rest the book's spine on a flat surface and watch as it magically opens to the most frequently visited page...

So, now that you've found the sacred passage, read it and prepare to be surprised. It may not be what you'd expect. Oftentimes, it won't even feature any action, per se — it may just be a scene of the two lovers talking. Read what they're saying and you may discover a hidden insight into your lady's most romantic dreams. Continue for several pages to see how things develop and be sure to take note of everything the guy with the bronzed muscles and flowing locks of tousled hair does. When things simmer down, scan the pages for any other chapters that look well thumbed, and remember: Romance novels are secret instructions to women indicating what they should expect from a proper relationship!

Righty-ho. I think I can handle this:

#1: Marry somebody I don't particularly like, probably for political reasons, probably involving Stephen and Maud.

Memo to self: arrange exhumation of Stephen and Maud. May have to fast-talk the authorities on this, also, buy new shovel.

#2: As a prerequisite for the next step, atrophy my communication skills and hers, to the level of a triple-amputee semaphorist.

#3: Have huge misunderstanding, timed to last until near end of book.

#4: Realise at last possible moment that We Love Each Other, and that Even The Warring Tides Of A Nation At War Cannot Separate What The Heart Has Joined, thus answering question posed on back cover of book. Who'd have guessed?

Note: Is important that this be achieved by sheer strength of emotion and good fortune (e.g., she is Captured By An Evil Viscount, And I Risk My Life To Rescue Her), rather than by any actual sprouting of common sense on either of our parts.

#5: As per cover, hire Fabio to stand in for selfWhat's this?

Even if you're not quite the image of the fellow on the cover, she'll appreciate your efforts and you’ll make her the envy of her friends when you lavish your romantic advances upon her.

Well, that makes things easier.

Disclaimer: I've probably merged several books together here. And the ones with Fabio on the cover aren't her favourites - we threw those out about a year ago.

Revenge

First, you have to understand where I work. When you come out of the lifts, you turn left and head down a corridor past optometrists and publicists and our graphics team. At the very end of the corridor, to the left there's the IT department and to the right there's the Mathematicians' Ghetto, where Simon and I work.

(This makes it very easy for us to pester IT when things go wrong, as this morning when a crash wiped out a week's work - though I think I've recovered it all now, and taken steps to prevent a repeat of this. But I digress.)

Every so often, newbies and visitors are given The Tour. Typically, this concludes thus:

GUIDE pokes her head around doorway. "This is %NEW_PERSON, $JOB_DESCRIPTOR. $NEW_PERSON, this is Simon. He's a... [pause] mathematician?" (Simon nods.) "Yes, mathematician."
At this point - I'm in a bit of a corner behind the door - I cough.
GUIDE: "And this is Geoffrey. He's... um."
ME: "Also a mathematician."
GUIDE: "Right."

Lately they've become a bit more forgetful. The other day, we got this:

GUIDE (up the corridor): "This is the graphics department, and that's pretty much it. The only thing up that way is IT."
SIMON AND ME: *loud aheming*
GUIDE: "Oh! Who are you?" She pokes head around door, and from there we slip into the abovementioned routine. Except, this time she didn't even seem to recognise me.

This is what we get for being mathematicians in an organisation staffed mostly by biochemists and optometrists, I guess. Today, however, the tables have turned. Simon has brought his new baby in... and we have agreed that only those who remembered our existence will be allowed to adore him.