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Fixing the Internet
Aug. 28th, 2003 01:01 pmDear Reader,
Congratulations! Because of your knowledge of computers and simple common sense, you have been chosen for membership on the AlphaNet.
Never heard of it? Allow me to explain.
As you probably know, the functionality of the Internet has been steadily degraded by people who don't know how to use it - or worse, don't care. If you've ever found your inbox stuffed to bursting with spam, virus emails, "Me Too" messages sent to you by mistake, and chain letters asking you to send get-well cards to Craig Shergold, you know what we're talking about.
It's not just the nuisance of deleting those junk messages, either. Every one of those unnecessary emails puts an added load on the network, making it harder for legitimate traffic to go through. Networks have to spend more on infrastructure, increasing the costs to you.
And how do these things spread? Well, I could talk all day about exploits and Trojans and open relays, but it really comes down to just one word.
Stupidity. People are dumb enough to actually BUY penis-enhancement pills over the Internet. Despite years of warnings not to do it, people are dumb enough to obey when a virus asks them to "Please open this attachment" - who needs sophisticated exploits when you can rely on user stupidity? And yes, people are dumb enough to believe every sappy chain letter that hits their inbox.
It goes beyond that, though. Tried to look up information on the Web lately? It's out there... somewhere. Along with what a million people thought on the subject and decided to share with the world, without bothering to check whether their thoughts had any connection to reality. It's not just that they don't know - everybody has their areas of ignorance. It's that they don't know when they don't know, and think their uninformed opinion deserves to be broadcast just as loud as those who've actually taken the time to ground their opinions in fact.
But soon, those days will be over. Because we're doing something about it.
Who are "we"? A bunch of concerned individuals who want the Net to be useful again. Some of us are net-admins. Some of us are programmers. A lot of us are not computer professionals, we just know the difference between a browser and a search engine and wish the ones who don't would get out of our way already. And we have a plan.
Kick all the stupid people off the Net? Well, we thought about that. And it's easier than you think. But then we realised... in their own annoying way, these stupid people actually perform a service for us. After all, no system is 100% secure. It's perfectly possible for a technically-gifted hacker to park a van outside your window, logging every keystroke as you access your bank details online.
But as long as we are tiny islands in a sea of stupid people, that won't happen, because there are millions of juicier, easier targets out there. Why bother going door-to-door selling human growth hormone when you can spam the clueless masses? Why spend the time sifting through Microsoft's OS for new loopholes to drive a virus through when you can just use the old ones? Why resort to sophisticated electronic eavesdropping to steal people's passwords when there are millions who will just give them away to the first scammer to forge a "From:" header?
No, those stupid people have their purpose. They are the protective padding that surrounds the vital organs, people like you and me. (And often enough, they pay our salaries.) We don't need to get rid of them; we just want them to get out of our way.
Starting September 1, 2003, we will begin dividing the Internet into two classes of machines: Alpha and Beta. The vast majority of the Net will be allocated to in Beta class; a small but strategically-placed collection of machines will be selected for Alpha class.
A highly sophisticated virus will then be released on the computer world, designed to prevent Betas from connecting to Alphanet. Recognising that sometimes Alphas will still need to access material on the Betanet, connection will still be possible, but only when initiated from Alphanet. As time goes by, we will endeavour to copy all material of interest to Alphanet, so Alphas will have less and less reason to access Betanet. Within a few years, we will reach the point where Alphas can safely ignore the existence of Betanet altogether, confident in the knowledge that nothing important ever happens there. And to the Betas, Alphanet will be completely invisible.
As a member of the privileged caste, you will enjoy high-speed, spam-free, virus-free Internet access, with the guarantee that every page you view will be of the highest quality. And don't feel bad for the Betas - they weren't using the Net for anything important anyway, and they'll never notice the difference.
For more information on the architecture of Alphanet, and how to connect your computer to it, please see the attached file.
begin attachment: Welcome_to_Alphanet.pif
Congratulations! Because of your knowledge of computers and simple common sense, you have been chosen for membership on the AlphaNet.
Never heard of it? Allow me to explain.
As you probably know, the functionality of the Internet has been steadily degraded by people who don't know how to use it - or worse, don't care. If you've ever found your inbox stuffed to bursting with spam, virus emails, "Me Too" messages sent to you by mistake, and chain letters asking you to send get-well cards to Craig Shergold, you know what we're talking about.
It's not just the nuisance of deleting those junk messages, either. Every one of those unnecessary emails puts an added load on the network, making it harder for legitimate traffic to go through. Networks have to spend more on infrastructure, increasing the costs to you.
And how do these things spread? Well, I could talk all day about exploits and Trojans and open relays, but it really comes down to just one word.
Stupidity. People are dumb enough to actually BUY penis-enhancement pills over the Internet. Despite years of warnings not to do it, people are dumb enough to obey when a virus asks them to "Please open this attachment" - who needs sophisticated exploits when you can rely on user stupidity? And yes, people are dumb enough to believe every sappy chain letter that hits their inbox.
It goes beyond that, though. Tried to look up information on the Web lately? It's out there... somewhere. Along with what a million people thought on the subject and decided to share with the world, without bothering to check whether their thoughts had any connection to reality. It's not just that they don't know - everybody has their areas of ignorance. It's that they don't know when they don't know, and think their uninformed opinion deserves to be broadcast just as loud as those who've actually taken the time to ground their opinions in fact.
But soon, those days will be over. Because we're doing something about it.
Who are "we"? A bunch of concerned individuals who want the Net to be useful again. Some of us are net-admins. Some of us are programmers. A lot of us are not computer professionals, we just know the difference between a browser and a search engine and wish the ones who don't would get out of our way already. And we have a plan.
Kick all the stupid people off the Net? Well, we thought about that. And it's easier than you think. But then we realised... in their own annoying way, these stupid people actually perform a service for us. After all, no system is 100% secure. It's perfectly possible for a technically-gifted hacker to park a van outside your window, logging every keystroke as you access your bank details online.
But as long as we are tiny islands in a sea of stupid people, that won't happen, because there are millions of juicier, easier targets out there. Why bother going door-to-door selling human growth hormone when you can spam the clueless masses? Why spend the time sifting through Microsoft's OS for new loopholes to drive a virus through when you can just use the old ones? Why resort to sophisticated electronic eavesdropping to steal people's passwords when there are millions who will just give them away to the first scammer to forge a "From:" header?
No, those stupid people have their purpose. They are the protective padding that surrounds the vital organs, people like you and me. (And often enough, they pay our salaries.) We don't need to get rid of them; we just want them to get out of our way.
Starting September 1, 2003, we will begin dividing the Internet into two classes of machines: Alpha and Beta. The vast majority of the Net will be allocated to in Beta class; a small but strategically-placed collection of machines will be selected for Alpha class.
A highly sophisticated virus will then be released on the computer world, designed to prevent Betas from connecting to Alphanet. Recognising that sometimes Alphas will still need to access material on the Betanet, connection will still be possible, but only when initiated from Alphanet. As time goes by, we will endeavour to copy all material of interest to Alphanet, so Alphas will have less and less reason to access Betanet. Within a few years, we will reach the point where Alphas can safely ignore the existence of Betanet altogether, confident in the knowledge that nothing important ever happens there. And to the Betas, Alphanet will be completely invisible.
As a member of the privileged caste, you will enjoy high-speed, spam-free, virus-free Internet access, with the guarantee that every page you view will be of the highest quality. And don't feel bad for the Betas - they weren't using the Net for anything important anyway, and they'll never notice the difference.
For more information on the architecture of Alphanet, and how to connect your computer to it, please see the attached file.
begin attachment: Welcome_to_Alphanet.pif
