Not the rape meme

[lederhosen]

I've seen a few people posting the "don't rape her" meme and I've left it alone because, while I agree with most of the sentiments, there are just a couple of wrong notes. laochbran had a good post about the problems with it, which I won't repeat here. I'm just going to pick on these lines:

don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions.

I can understand why these lines appeal. The "she was asking for it" defence is as ancient as it is despicable, and the idea that a rapist's crime is in any way diminished by his victim's having taken risks needs to be stamped on, hard.

But "if you do this, you're less likely to become a victim of crime" is NOT the same statement as "if you don't do this, and you become a victim of crime, it's your fault". I agree that rape-avoidance tactics are not the primary answer to the problem, and should never be allowed to give the impression that women who don't follow them are legitimate targets; I don't agree with the implication that for those reasons, we shouldn't teach them.

Everybody has the right not to be raped, regardless of whether they're sitting in a high-security house with a shotgun under the pillow or blind drunk among strangers at a party. But in our less-than-ideal world, some things are riskier than others, and along with the right not to be raped, women have a right to know and understand the risks, so they can decide for themselves what chances they're willing to take.

Comments

[freyaw.livejournal.com]

We are all told, repeatedly, not to walk anywhere alone after dark - or sometimes even in daylight (parks are dangerous places!), not to take public transport in the evening, to lock our doors when driving alone and not to go into carparks alone at night, not to get drunk when we are out with people, and so on... It amounts to a curfew, and I suspect the person writing the meme was trying to get at the fact that while this may be useful information to give to young girls, it is both a little insulting (we know, and we are already taking as much care as we can). Especially as this kind of advice appears to put the responsibility of rape prevention back onto the woman.

Unfortunately, I don't remember ever being told any of this. My parents saw nothing wrong in letting me catch a train home at night (nearest train station to my parents house being separated from a main road by a small public garden, full of shadowy corners, and a carpark, with the interior of the shelters invisible from any place other than directly in front of said shelter), or going to parties by myself (as long as that didn't involve them doing anything). My mother still thinks that doing martial arts is silly, even after I told her I was doing it for self-defense reasons, because I "shouldn't need to". My driving instructor was the first person to insist that I get into the habit of locking the doors when I get into a car.

What I know about not getting into these situations is what I've picked up from common sense, and listening to that little voice in the base of my skull which says to go the long way tonight.

Personally, I think we should be better informed about risk assessment, and signs of danger, rather than an all-encompassing "DO NOT". Some day, you may have to do the "DO NOT", and how will you choose the less dangerous path if they're all dangerous and you don't know how to assess the risk?

[17catherines.livejournal.com]

Risk assessment sounds like an excellent idea - which should be taught to everyone at schools.

I'm sorry if I made assumptions about what I believed to be common knowledge - if anything, my family tended to the overprotective, combined with the attitude that anything bad that happened to me I had caused by not being careful enough. As I said, not very objective on this one!

Catherine

[freyaw.livejournal.com]

It's all good - by making those assumptions, you flicked one of my switches. I'm not objective on this subject either, but my family has a strange combination of overprotectiveness, blind spots, and self-interest. Assumptions about the degree of care received during childhood really flicks my switches, for reasons of... Well, example follows:

I play bridge, have since I was 11. It was generally assumed that my parents were tutoring me, up until the point where I laughed at the suggestion two years ago. They were working, tired, and too busy to do anything with each other, let alone me. It was also assumed that they were aware of the behaviour of some of my fellow under-25 bridge players (and, less visibly, some of the adults). Another assumption: That I would use the support network that was apparently there for young bridge players if I needed it. I needed it, didn't know about it, and assumed that the behaviour I was experiencing was condoned because there was no help to be found anywhere. Since visibly reaching adulthood, several persons have, in conversation, mentioned that they used to be really worried about me, but they thought my parents were handling it. People who didn't think I needed counselling enough to help me pay for it, even after my school counsellor spat the dummy at them? Fat chance.

Umm, yeah. Flicks my switch. Let me just turn that off, now...

[harliquinn.livejournal.com]

where I grew up, it was also pounded into you to not park in shadowy carparks, lock your car doors at night when driving, etc. I think my mom was the first to suggest to lock car doors in broad daylight when driving through unsavory sections of the city.

HOWEVER, it wasn't until I was long since off in Chicago that I found those utterly useless in situations that no one had thought to suggest as dangerous. Hell, riding the El at rush-hour is dangerous as it is. Walking down the sidewalk in daylight (or night) and being UNAWARE of who is around you and who might be following you.

A good sense of what is a risk for you, at that moment is probably the best idea. Otherwise all you see, as you say, is encompassing NO! NO! signs which will prevent you from walking down the street, leaving your home, or opening the dishwasher. I wonder if lobbying for Risk Assesment classes for teenagers would actually help young women (and young men) become better judges of their environment.